Leaders: What Was & What Is

If you stack up today's leaders against those they inherited from in the last 50 years or so, this is what you get:

	The Concept	What Was	What Is
1	Vision	Something the leader believed in and shared with the people.	Something the leader saw after a drunken orgy.
2	Escort	A friend you needed by your side.	(i) A Mistress (ii) 30 assorted military personnel armed to the teeth.
3	Manifesto	A political document outlining programmes the leader will try to implement.	A photocopy of some document the leader will give out contracts to have printed and distributed to you.
4	A Promise	The leader resigns if he could not keep it.	You got fired if you reminded the leader about keeping it.
5	The People	The leader knows he works for them.	The leader’s thugs know to work them over.
6	Humility	The leader always gives credit to others, never to himself.	What?
7	Civil Servants	The guys he loves to work with.	Remove “Civil”.
8	Education	Blessed with it & appreciated.	The piece of paper he faked.
9	Corruption	Is it the same as corrosion?	Making a decent living.
10	Election	The leader respected the process.	What?

Intelligent Communication

The true indicator of intelligence and brilliance is the mental capacity to simplify the complicated, whereas any idiot can complicate simple things.
- Credit for this one goes to Salihu Mahmud.

Psychiatrist:

A drug pusher with a license.

Grammar:

A rigid old lady.

Complacency:

Submission to tyranny in the hope of self-preservation.

Procrastination:

I will give you the meaning tomorrow.... maybe.

Consultant:

Makes a living by mystifying common sense.

Propensity:

The tidal wave of the heart.

Age II:

A numeral representing the time you have consumed from an alloted total you do not know.

Adulterate:

Spoil everything for a kid by telling him to "grow up".

Abbreviation:

The word justifies the meaning.

Advice:

The only thing everybody likes to give away freely.

Priority:

Tasks in order of importance for the subject.
Priority of a predator is to catch dinner.
The priority of dinner is to reach breakfast.

Achievement:

The stepping stone to the next challenge.

An "ism":

Same as "chasm" but more difficult to get out of, if you fall into one.

Tyrant:

One who harvests respect by cultivating fear.

Stress:

The heat generated by the cumulative effect of responsibility.

Propaganda:

Rumour: as a celebrity.

Anxiety:

Worrying about the future now. I mean, now. No, right now...

Future Tense:

Stress caused by anxiety.

Progress

	The Good Old Days	Progress
1	You fondly remember the last time you had chicken, because you only had some on special occasions.	Lots of fast food offerings; from scientifically produced, tasteless chicken.
2	Your parents made a fuss about how you never visit.	Your parents make a fuss about how you never call.
3	Your Dad thought your Mom was extravagant with 10 sets of clothing.	You don’t know how many sets your wife has.
4	You didn’t know the word “unisex”, and even if you did, will not say it in public.	You are careful what you let your children see on CNN.
5	You complain about your poor finances.	You complain about your poor finances.
6	Ghanaians came over to Nigeria looking for jobs.	Nigerians are going over to Ghana looking for jobs.
7	Being gay meant being happy. Being queer meant being odd.	Stick with happy and weird.
8	Teachers showed affection as if they were your parents.	You are afraid if a teacher showed affection to your kid.
9	“Stealing” is what happened when someone broke into your house.	“Stealing” is what happens when someone is elected into public office.
10	You have a job so you can have money to marry and have kids.	You are seeking a job so you can have money … to have money.
11	Millionaires had way too much money, and were few and far apart.	You live next door to 2 billionaires that don’t know how much they have, and are competing to buy you out.
12	We had a total of 10 school books per term and learned to speak good English and we could use our acquired skills at work.	Our kids visit the doctor for the strain 30-40 books put on their young backs, and they can’t tell him what’s wrong with them in English.
13	Things stayed in vogue for a whole year.	Fashion statements are made and are over before you finish the instalment payments for an item.
14	“Hello” was informal for “good afternoon”.	“Hello” is formal for “Hey”.
15	Cars were a luxury because you didn’t need one.	Cars are still a luxury because you can’t afford one.

©M. S. Mahmud 24 Ramadhan 1431, 3 Sept 2010.

Optimism:

Freely available drug that becomes scarce as one approaches adulthood.

Patriot II:

A hero or a villian, depending on the mood of a country's political leaning at time of constitutional review and amendment.

Patriot:

A person expressing the desire to die for the constitution of his country - that may be amended countless times after his death, turning him from a hero into a villain.

Obama, Abbas, Netanyahu Meeting

The efforts of the US President to kick-start the Arab-Israeli Peace Plan has borne fruit:

1. It has been agreed that Abbas’s name will come before Netanyahu’s – alphabetical order and all.

2. The Israeli flag will be at the right of Obama at the photo-op, compensation to the Israelis for the undue advantage given to the Arab’s by the alphabet (please note Obama is left-handed and it’s not his fault).

3. The meeting has noted Netanyahu’s protest regarding the alphabet and questioned why it should not start from Z.

4. Obama has promised to present the UN Security Council a resolution (Res. No. Z-A. 01001) proposing the condemnation of the Alphabet for giving undue advantage to the Palestinians.

5. It has also been agreed that the word “Settlement” – if it comes up at all, has no connotation to the Israelis agreeing to any of the UN resolutions passed against them in the past 50 years.

6. Also the word “Settlement” certainly bears no reference to the Israelis paying the Palestinians or any Arab country for that matter, compensation for wanton ‘targeted’ assassinations, annihilating entire villages or for orchestrating the destitute death of Arafat (Note the ‘A’ at the beginning of his name too!) in his besieged quarters. The Israelis agree not to draw further attention to Abbas’s collaborative efforts in the orchestra.

7. In return for resolutions 4, 5 and 6 above – this document will be printed on beige paper as white hurts Abbas’s eyes.

8. The Israelis have also been compensated for 7 above, through an allowed smirk from Netanyahu.

9. In order to assist Abbas constructively, Netanyahu has conceded to increase (by 0.5%) his rhetoric criticising Abbas to shore up Palestinian sympathy for him (Abbas, not Netanyahu or Obama – Obama’s doing just fine with the Palestinians).

10. It has also been agreed that item 10 be included because 10 is a good round number.


©Copyright, M. S. Mahmud, 2009: if you mess with this notice, I will have Obama persuade the UN Security Council to pass a resolution allowing the use of your house/cybercafe/village/city as an International Zero-Responsibility Nuclear Testing Site (IZRNTS), more specifically Resolution No. Nuk-U 01.xLong.yLat.

Monotony:

Boredom in single file.