2011 Nigerian Revolution: A Preview

Before your ambitions for a Nigerian Revolution get into full gear and you head for Eagle Square, please observe the following points:

1. People trying to get to work will scream at you for causing traffic jams.
2. If you get shot – and you will – please be advised the ambulance phone number you recorded doesn’t work.  Correction – the ambulance doesn’t work.
3. The government would not shutdown the Internet (if it knew how to) because it knows how to shutdown all power stations that are still operational.
4. The military will not join the revolution – some of the new guys haven’t received their car “loans” yet.
5. National Assembly members will declare a National Emergency – by requesting Mr. President to ensure you don’t come near the Assembly Complex.
6. You will spend most of your budget bribing the media to ensure at least minimum coverage for the protest. May last all of 2 minutes.
7. While unable to declare a state of emergency in Plateau State, the Federal Government will declare one in Abuja with the excuse that you pose a danger to public property.
8. The President will justify his recent comments about “rascals” and shove the elections to December.
9. No the West will not come to your aid.  You do not pose a danger to the oil supply.
10. Your members will be composed of:

•  60% looters and drug addicts
• 20% believing it’s a political party rally where they can get N500
• 10% tag along to see how the police brutalize you
• 8% are ready to run for dear life at the first sign of danger and
• 2% actually know why they are there.

11.   Did I mention that you have a grand total membership of 100?

Having taken this into account, the 149,999,900 of us that stayed complacently away, will pray for you in our churches and mosques and then complain bitterly about the brutality of the government whenever we see a camera around.

Arab Leaders’ - To Do List

 Cartoon:  Patrick Chappatte

1.   Make arrangements to withdraw all sequestered funds from Swiss banks. Cayman Islands perhaps?

2.   Have learnt a valuable lesson from Tunisia, Egypt, Bahrain and others; don't build anymore town squares.

3.   See if there is space for sale in Sharm el Sheik, preferably next to Mubarak’s place.

4.   In the event of an uprising, blaming Al Qaeda will not make the US support me – mandate spin doctors to find new excuse.

5.   Phone Abdallah and inform him – I finally understand the West’s foreign policy of “We have no permanent allies, we have no permanent enemies, we only have permanent interests.”  I always assumed I was the interest. Silly me!

6.   Burn my copy of the “The Prince” by Niccolo Machiavelli.

7.   See if some of Gaddafi’s mercenaries can be contracted for a hit on Al Jazeera management.

8.   Apologize to Ahmedinejad and make friends with. See if he can give me tips on quelling protests and surviving to tell the story.

9.   Update my facebook & twitter status with a more earnest smile photo.

10. Order more anti-depressants. I really believed my people when they said they loved me and kissed my hand.

A Lie:

A hole you dig. You then dig a bigger hole to use the rubble to cover the first hole. Then you need to dig a much bigger hole to cover the second one. You get the idea -  it’s all about digging.

Real men don’t cry unless...

1. it’s in private.

2. it scores political points.

3. you claim you’re built that way.

4. she likes guys like that.

5. your team lost the big game.

6. you are on medication - self or otherwise.

Irony:

Stepping into your own bear trap.


Salihu Mahmud.

Time:

1. Extremely expensive non-renewable resource.

2. Usually, it can only be wasted or stolen by the owner.

3. It's value can never be calculated since we do not know how much we have.

4. As we depreciate, it appreciates.

5. We are acquainted with one of its family member's - Space. We are not sure what the relationship is.

6. I hope you have not spent too much of yours reading this list.

Exchange Rates:

1- Work: the exchange rate for money.
2- Money: the percieved exchange rate for happiness.
3- Happiness: the value of contentment - nothing to do with money.

Failure:

The ability to stop trying.

Good Management:

To synchronize common sense.

 

Mubarak Memoirs: Leaked

Having some free time on his hands now, Hosni Mubarak decided to put the record straight and write a memoir. In keeping with the trend it was promptly leaked. Some excerpts:

1. I suspended the constitution for 30 years because it would have hindered all the democratic gains I have made in our great nation.

2. Recent Achievements: Taught all the other suckers that YOU CAN shutdown the Internet.

3. My sons & daughters came out to Tahrir Square to thank me for being there for them for - well almost forever.

4. Tahrir Square: I sent some tanks to provide water to my people.

5. I stepped down to let other unlucky countries catch up with Egyptian democracy.

6. I have relocated to my residence in Sharm el-Sheikh in the hope that the Israelis will occupy it for a third time so I can finally be home.