Financial Paintdown

Standard and Poors downgraded United States debt in early August 2011, dropping it to AA+ because the U.S. could not get control over it's long-term financial issues.  The IMF and the World Bank are also making disapproving noises. Here's my take on this.

 
Character Creds: Obama - Ludus. Painter - D. Cox.

Greekonomics

The European Union is angsty about Greece defaulting, so they've decided to hold on to the next batch of billions while the Greeks try to convince the world they won't default.

Oxymoron:

Two opponents stuck in an idiots airless room.

ESP - Abraham Lincoln

The Mafia Family Code

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKYmh78AQRydLrVAUyvQxeFi0oBVnB72Nr_VKbL_WCCzwYoo8R6C-9hEvp_0HXTPNcutntNhCbuRQ32rD8yLq-q56M3aHB7wS349avZgo_ejks5mOJXs-41-8lQWi4Py0icN1BU_AyG4pC/s1600/mafia.jpg

1. The code is a system of government that provides protection from itself, through rigorous taxation and violent reprisal.
2. Reprisal as a punitive and necessary measure should also be considered as a Family Passtime.
3. The benefit of such taxation is used for projects for the Family.
4. You belong to the family through birth and possibly, large donations.  The latter can expire depending on what "large" means at a particular time.
5. Family members are never wrong, unless they go against the Family Code.  Hence the accused may be subjected to no.2.
6. The Family Code is unwritten and is not part of this definition.  You would know if you were a member.
7. Sorry! I am referencing the wrong document; this is the ruling party's Manifesto!

Plagiarist:

A repeat-offender. 

Medical Tourists

The only successful export from Nigeria.

Nostalgia:

A country we all wish we hadn't left.

Pakistan Renamed to Obamastan

We the people of Pakistan (actually the government of Pakistan acting purportedly on behalf of the people of Pakistan… you get the drift) have decided to rename Pakistan to Obamastan for the following reasons:

1.  After the assassination of Osama bin Laden, and the abuse of our sovereign air space (whatever that means).

2.  If two US Navy Seals helicopters can land right next to our military base in Abbottabad, carry out an assassination mission, cart of tonnes of stuff, escape safely without incident, we no longer lay claim to the word “sovereign”.

3.  Since we already have a history of sucking up to colonial masters, this is easy.  Abbottabad is named after a Briton Major James Abbott who established the tongue twisting town and bred “native infantry”, the Ghurka’s, for the consumption of western-generated wars.

4.  We could have renamed Pakistan to Abottstan in light of the above, but the British don’t scare us as much no more.  Besides we have named a whole district after him.

5.  We eagerly await the arrival of John Kerry to hug us and pat our backs, even though we know he’s coming to demand the return of one of the helicopters that was downed during the operation.  The US has lost more than fifty choppers in nearby Iraq. Please note he will not use the hated US Navy Seals Helicopter model.  His will come with peace logos and flowery deco to appease our Mullahs.

6.  We congratulate the Navy Seals for finally succeeding after fiascos like the Iran hostage crisis in 1980 and the 1993 Mogadishu Black Hawk Down doozy.

7.  In honour of Obama who has wreaked havoc on our fellow countrymen, women and children in the hills by stepped up drone attacks (more than Bush’s actually) and hence won the respect/fear we once attached to our former British colonial masters.

8.  To further reassure the Americans of our unreserved loyalty, we wish to state that most Pakistanis, sorry – Obamistanis believe the British Prime Minister David Cameron and James Cameron of “Avatar” movie fame, are one and the same.  Besides, James Cameron did a much better job of scaring us with the blue aliens than David ever will with clipped speaking.

9.  We shall continue to cooperate with the US on the so called war on terror while making sure we frown and sputter protesting sounds to our people, as long as the $1.6 billion aid continues to line our personal, er, government accounts.

10. The Pakistani Intelligence Agency or ISI, will naturally be renamed appropriately to OSI, to be pronounced “Ozzie”.  Please note; we do not care what the Australians think about this.

11. We will take this opportunity to correct a misconception; burial at sea is not an Islamic injunction.  We are also aware of the parallels that will be drawn with our letting a murderer go, in the incident with the CIA operative Raymond Davis.  

12. We will like to emphasize No. 11 was a requirement by some of the more radical members of our cabinet.  So do not be disquieted by it.

Long live Obama(stan)! Brackets are Prime Minister Gillani’s.

Correct Address:

Name of Sovereign Nation: Obamastan

Addressing its Citizens: Obamistani

Wikipedia, Wikileaks et al please note.

My Top Ten Reasons for Refusing to Debate – President Goodluck Jonathan

BusinessDay Cartoon

1. Even though everybody knows I cannot articulate properly to debate, I will show everyone I can at least do the PDP Campaign Dance.

2. I am too busy making sure the truth about how I got my Phd is not discovered, like that nincompoop German Foreign Minister.

3. Studio lights spoil my complexion.

4. It is getting harder to blame General Buhari for every bomb that goes off in the country, I am busy with my team coming up with better excuses.

5. Spending N100 million campaign funds per day na serious work.

6. Sorry about the taiping; loozin ma inglish az ah go. And leave my Grammar out of this; she’s an old lady!

7. Did I say 10 reasons? Please let me recount...

2011 Nigerian Revolution: A Preview

Before your ambitions for a Nigerian Revolution get into full gear and you head for Eagle Square, please observe the following points:

1. People trying to get to work will scream at you for causing traffic jams.
2. If you get shot – and you will – please be advised the ambulance phone number you recorded doesn’t work.  Correction – the ambulance doesn’t work.
3. The government would not shutdown the Internet (if it knew how to) because it knows how to shutdown all power stations that are still operational.
4. The military will not join the revolution – some of the new guys haven’t received their car “loans” yet.
5. National Assembly members will declare a National Emergency – by requesting Mr. President to ensure you don’t come near the Assembly Complex.
6. You will spend most of your budget bribing the media to ensure at least minimum coverage for the protest. May last all of 2 minutes.
7. While unable to declare a state of emergency in Plateau State, the Federal Government will declare one in Abuja with the excuse that you pose a danger to public property.
8. The President will justify his recent comments about “rascals” and shove the elections to December.
9. No the West will not come to your aid.  You do not pose a danger to the oil supply.
10. Your members will be composed of:

•  60% looters and drug addicts
• 20% believing it’s a political party rally where they can get N500
• 10% tag along to see how the police brutalize you
• 8% are ready to run for dear life at the first sign of danger and
• 2% actually know why they are there.

11.   Did I mention that you have a grand total membership of 100?

Having taken this into account, the 149,999,900 of us that stayed complacently away, will pray for you in our churches and mosques and then complain bitterly about the brutality of the government whenever we see a camera around.

Arab Leaders’ - To Do List

 Cartoon:  Patrick Chappatte

1.   Make arrangements to withdraw all sequestered funds from Swiss banks. Cayman Islands perhaps?

2.   Have learnt a valuable lesson from Tunisia, Egypt, Bahrain and others; don't build anymore town squares.

3.   See if there is space for sale in Sharm el Sheik, preferably next to Mubarak’s place.

4.   In the event of an uprising, blaming Al Qaeda will not make the US support me – mandate spin doctors to find new excuse.

5.   Phone Abdallah and inform him – I finally understand the West’s foreign policy of “We have no permanent allies, we have no permanent enemies, we only have permanent interests.”  I always assumed I was the interest. Silly me!

6.   Burn my copy of the “The Prince” by Niccolo Machiavelli.

7.   See if some of Gaddafi’s mercenaries can be contracted for a hit on Al Jazeera management.

8.   Apologize to Ahmedinejad and make friends with. See if he can give me tips on quelling protests and surviving to tell the story.

9.   Update my facebook & twitter status with a more earnest smile photo.

10. Order more anti-depressants. I really believed my people when they said they loved me and kissed my hand.

A Lie:

A hole you dig. You then dig a bigger hole to use the rubble to cover the first hole. Then you need to dig a much bigger hole to cover the second one. You get the idea -  it’s all about digging.

Real men don’t cry unless...

1. it’s in private.

2. it scores political points.

3. you claim you’re built that way.

4. she likes guys like that.

5. your team lost the big game.

6. you are on medication - self or otherwise.

Irony:

Stepping into your own bear trap.


Salihu Mahmud.

Time:

1. Extremely expensive non-renewable resource.

2. Usually, it can only be wasted or stolen by the owner.

3. It's value can never be calculated since we do not know how much we have.

4. As we depreciate, it appreciates.

5. We are acquainted with one of its family member's - Space. We are not sure what the relationship is.

6. I hope you have not spent too much of yours reading this list.

Exchange Rates:

1- Work: the exchange rate for money.
2- Money: the percieved exchange rate for happiness.
3- Happiness: the value of contentment - nothing to do with money.

Failure:

The ability to stop trying.

Good Management:

To synchronize common sense.

 

Mubarak Memoirs: Leaked

Having some free time on his hands now, Hosni Mubarak decided to put the record straight and write a memoir. In keeping with the trend it was promptly leaked. Some excerpts:

1. I suspended the constitution for 30 years because it would have hindered all the democratic gains I have made in our great nation.

2. Recent Achievements: Taught all the other suckers that YOU CAN shutdown the Internet.

3. My sons & daughters came out to Tahrir Square to thank me for being there for them for - well almost forever.

4. Tahrir Square: I sent some tanks to provide water to my people.

5. I stepped down to let other unlucky countries catch up with Egyptian democracy.

6. I have relocated to my residence in Sharm el-Sheikh in the hope that the Israelis will occupy it for a third time so I can finally be home.

Motion (Legal):

Various dance routines carried out between two parties to determine who has the best judicial moves.

Friends:

Keep your friends close and your enemies ... in the dark.

Scientific Fact:

Irrefutable physical evidence that can be systematically tested, until other irrefutable physical evidence renders it moot.

Ego:

The altitude of one's self-regard. (Salihu Mahmud).

Attitude:

The posture of ego.

Decompose:

What happens to a good idea after adoption by a politician in office.

Football Fan:

The fuel that is burned up to keep the game alive.